Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.