@bouncerface: Are you serious? It's hard to tell because of all the botox.
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@dtee83: Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
@MatCro: Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames: Ratty: I'll be The Ratster! Toad: I'll be The Toadster! Mole: I'll be The Molest... I'll be Moley.
@DamienFahey: If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
@williamsonnier: customer: *looking at menu* what's good? me: not much what's good with you? him: ... him: ... me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.