*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
A little too much information.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.