@sageboggs: "Are you sexually ac-" [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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@akatinamarie: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
@haleysfalling: hi yes i'd like a vodka salad please "you mean a bloody mary" yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
@TallDarkHandsy: Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?