“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
my nickname in college
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*