I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you