[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro