-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
You Might Also Like
channeling her this year
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.