-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.