*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu