“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Yes my dude
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.