“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.