Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
How dramatic are you?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day