“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Van Gone
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.