Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
How animals would run if they were human
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.