Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
hmmm
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.