@Kauaibride: he said he adored my imperfections. and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@TheCatWhisprer: Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.

@david8hughes: [baby pushes food away as I try feeding it] Fine. Die.

@sixfootcandy: My tax refund was so big that I didn't even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.