@LetsQuoteComedy: "Are you talking back to me?" "Mom, that's how a conversation works."
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@theshantilly: *glamorously folds laundry *seductively wipes off countertops *slowly bends over to pick up toys *sexily trips over the cat...
@GrantTanaka: Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
@Chocovania: [Border control] Officer: “You’re not American.” Me: “Deep.” *Officer squints* M: “Fried.” *squints harder* M: “Guns.” "Welcome back, Sir."