“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT