[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
2022: I can fix it
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?