are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date