Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.