Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.