– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?