Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
This will never not be funny to me.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My biological clock is wheezing.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy