Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
You Might Also Like
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye