Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
You Might Also Like
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Ah yes. The three genders
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
#Caturday
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.