“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
catch me on valentine’s day like
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles