The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
You Might Also Like
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
when dads have a rap battle
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
craving $300 all of a sudden
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.