@SoldHerSoul: Are your clothes meant to scream out "help" when you squeeze yourself into them?
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@SteveSuckington: The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
@nerdsrockk: When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
@OCDelight21: If you love something, set it free. (Does not apply to ferrets.)* *I am no longer allowed on the subway.