Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Self-cleaning conscience
WHY would you be happy about this?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Lmaoo 😂
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.