CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
can I use a minion as a tampon
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My work here is don’t.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy