Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.