Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall