Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Seems a bit forward
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
This makes total sense…
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
What even happened today?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝