“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I’ve been learning to cook.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Every house has this drawer
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You