“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.