@Smug_Lemur: Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
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@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in restroom reading phone* *opens stall door & starts peeing* Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE...
@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.