Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
wtf management?!
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.