Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You Might Also Like
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?