[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me if I was a dog
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.