Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing