@shutupmikeginn: Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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@TwinSurvivalist: After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
@KKAlThani: If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it's isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
@KalvinMacleod: HER: I’m leaving you ME: Is it because I’m too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*