Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
You Might Also Like
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
This is what makes twitter great
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM