Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting