Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Bringing home a sharpie
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.