I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
if a cop pulls u over play dead
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat