Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Got ya covered
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
#parenting