Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Botany good plants lately?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.