well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?