January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.