[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The more things change, the more they stay the same.