[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I feel seen.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Smile they said.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.