Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
pictures of spider-man
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*