“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
You Might Also Like
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me irl
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?