Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
God has abandoned us.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Oh yeah that’s it
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.